There’s a new buzzword we’ve heard around the My Wellness Center office, and it goes by a few different names and spellings: gray rocking, gray stoning, grey rocking, and grey stoning.
No matter what you call it or how you spell it, it’s the same thing: an emerging technique for dealing with toxic people by being as uninteresting as possible.
It’s an intriguing concept, but it’s poorly understood—and it could actually be dangerous in some situations.
Here’s everything you should know about gray rocking/gray stoning:
Table of Contents
What is gray rocking?
Why do people use gray stoning?
Is gray stoning safe?
Why does gray rocking work?
Find Therapy for Trauma and Toxic Relationships
What is gray rocking?
Gray rocking (also called gray stoning) is a technique for dealing with abusive, toxic, or narcissistic people by removing intense emotions from the relationship.
With gray rocking, you interact with the other individual by using short, factual responses that are devoid of emotion—often with a calm, monotone voice.
This keeps interactions brief and civil, and it removes the emotional component that would normally give the other person control over the relationship, situation, or conversation.
Another important note: Gray stoning also requires not sharing personal details, like events from your day, feelings, hopes for the future, or fears. These details only work to empower the abuse or toxic individual.
Done well, gray rocking is similar to coming across like a, well, gray rock—dull, boring, and impenetrable.
Related Reading: What Is Fawning In A Relationship?
Why do people use gray stoning?
Gray rocking (or gray stoning) is growing in popularity among pop culture psychology publications and in forums dealing with toxic or narcissistic individuals.
While results have been mixed, some people claim it has made their lives easier, especially in families or communities where there are multiple toxic or narcissistic individuals.
We have heard about it more and more from our clients—which inspired us to write a post about it!
Is gray stoning safe?
Gray stoning hasn’t been extensively studied, so there is no conclusive evidence as to whether it is a safe, effective strategy for managing abusive, toxic, or narcissistic individuals.
In general, gray stoning’s impact depends on the individual and how much it affects you.
Although it’s intended as a safety mechanism that creates emotional distance, gray stoning can potentially:
- Make the individual frustrated or angry, especially when you fail to react in a negative manner.
- Disrupt your own emotional grounding, as gray stoning requires denying your own thoughts, opinions, and feelings.
Anecdotal evidence says gray stoning can be safe and effective, but it is generally only advised in case-by-case situations where you’re not in a physically dangerous relationship.
Related Reading: Why Do People Stay In Abusive Relationships?
Why does gray rocking work?
Gray rocking can work because it strips power away from abusers, narcissists, and other toxic individuals.
Think about it: These types do one of two things to make themselves feel better. They either:
- Tear other people down or try to “get a rise” out of them—giving them emotional power over others.
- Inflate their own egos by talking about themselves or their own achievements.
The calm, simple responses of gray rocking maintain a civil and relaxed environment—even if you feel internally flustered by the individual’s presence.
As an example, let’s explore two different approaches to a conversation with a narcissist:
Conversation 1 – No Gray Rocking
The narcissist enters the office breakroom.
Narcissist: Wow, everyone suddenly looks miserable. What happened in here?
Person: We were just talking about Sarah’s promotion.
Narcissist: Oh, please. I got promoted twice as fast as she did.
Person: Can you just let her enjoy this for once?
Narcissist: Why are you getting so defensive? I was making a point.
Person: Because you always make everything about yourself!
Narcissist: Unbelievable. I walk into the room, and suddenly I’m the problem.
Conversation 2 – With Gray Rocking
The narcissist enters the office breakroom.
Narcissist: Wow, everyone suddenly looks miserable. What happened in here?
Person: We were just talking about Sarah’s promotion.
Narcissist: Oh, please. I got promoted twice as fast as she did.
Person: Okay.
Narcissist: …Oh, that’s really all you have to say about that?
Person: Yes.
Narcissist: Whatever, you’re weird.
Person: Okay.
Narcissist: I’m leaving.
Narcissist exits.
Understanding the Difference
In the first example, the conversation quickly flips to focus on the narcissist, and then this focus erupts into conflict.
In the second example, the conversation still flips to focus on the narcissist, but they’re not given enough power to control the conversation.
Without influence over the conversation or the room’s emotions, the narcissist decides to leave.
Find Therapy for Trauma and Toxic Relationships
If you’re reading about gray stoning, there’s a good chance you’ve dealt with toxic relationships and personalities in the past—some of which could have led to traumatic experiences.
Our team of compassionate therapists can help. Contact us to get started.