Article Summary: Each year, millions of couples struggle with infertility and getting pregnant, but that doesn’t make coping with involuntary childlessness any easier. However, open communication, finding a support network, and attending therapy regularly can help.
Approximately 3.6 million babies are born in the US every year, according to the CDC. That’s nearly 10,000 babies every single day!
Sadly, the miracle of birth is a far-off fantasy for many couples around the country. No matter how hard they try to get pregnant, nothing seems to work.
This is commonly referred to as “involuntary childlessness.” Unlike voluntary childlessness, which is when a couple willingly decides not to have children, involuntary childlessness is when a couple either can’t seem to get pregnant or carry a pregnancy to full term.
It’s a heartbreaking ordeal, and it’s something that regularly tests the strength of couples all over the country.
Continue reading to learn more:
Table of Contents
How Common Is Involuntary Childlessness?
The Pain of Involuntary Childlessness
How to Cope With Involuntary Childlessness
Find Therapy
How Common Is Involuntary Childlessness?
Involuntary childlessness is more common than most people realize. About 4% of couples are involuntarily childless, which equals about 2.5 million couples throughout the United States.
The Pain of Involuntary Childlessness
Involuntary childlessness is often an emotionally devastating ordeal, especially while the couple holds out hope to have their own children (instead of fostering a child or choosing adoption).
Here are a few reasons why it’s such a complicated, frustrating, and emotional ordeal:
1. Fertility Treatments Are Expensive—And They’re Not Guaranteed to Work
Fertility treatments are expensive and invasive. Through these treatments, you could have to schedule huge periods of your life around:
- Doctor appointments
- Hormone shots
- Egg retrieval
- Implantation
And there’s no guarantee this process will work. If it doesn’t result in a pregnancy, it automatically counts as a “loss”—which is especially painful when you consider that this process sometimes takes a full year of appointments, treatment exploration, and medical procedures.
All of that can make a non-pregnancy even more painful.
2. Losing A Baby Is Emotionally Painful
Losing a baby is never easy, and Associate Therapist Audrey Wrobel, LCSW has shared a few perspectives with us in past interviews on our YouTube channel.
For example, trying to navigate a new pregnancy after a pregnancy loss can be incredibly difficult. For some couples, it can take a long time to get pregnant again, and that resulting excitement can be overshadowed by fear and anxiety that you might once again lose the pregnancy.
Here’s how she explains it:
There’s also a deep loneliness that can come with a pregnancy loss, as our society stigmatizes miscarriages. Instead of talking about it openly, many of us hide our pain from others—but this only creates more pain and heartache.
Here’s Audrey’s perspective on how that stigma adds to the pain:
3. Involuntary Childlessness Can Strain the Couple’s Relationship
Losing a child—even one that hasn’t been born—can be incredibly difficult.
It takes emotional maturity and clear communication between the couple to maintain a healthy relationship.
This isn’t always easy, especially in situations where the man “isn’t supposed to have feelings.” Traditionally, men have fewer opportunities in their social circles to express their feelings after loss, and this can create a festering emotional wound.
Here’s a real-life example:
I once met with a couple where the mom lost the baby at 37 weeks. Both the mother and father were obviously distraught, but the dad didn’t know what to do or how to express himself. That internal turmoil unintentionally isolated him and the mother during one of their marriage’s most difficult periods.
Fortunately, therapy helped him connect with himself and learn how to express his feelings. His wife eventually became pregnant again, and they unfortunately lost the baby at 16 weeks. While this loss was still painful, he was better equipped to express himself, and the marriage remained strong despite losing the baby.
How to Cope With Involuntary Childlessness
Involuntary childlessness is painful, but you can overcome that pain. Here are a few tactics to consider:
1. Focus On Open And Honest Communication
Few experiences test a relationship like involuntary childlessness. Although both partners are grieving the same loss, they often process that grief in completely different ways.
One partner may want to talk openly about their feelings, while the other withdraws to process everything internally. One may be eager to pursue another round of fertility treatments, while the other feels emotionally exhausted and ready for a break. Neither response is wrong—but when those differences go unspoken, misunderstandings and resentment can quickly grow.
That’s why honest, compassionate communication is so important.
Rather than assuming your partner knows how you’re feeling, make time to intentionally discuss your emotions, fears, hopes, and expectations. It’s okay to admit when you’re angry, discouraged, jealous, or simply exhausted. Those emotions don’t make you a bad spouse—they make you human.
It’s equally important to recognize that grief isn’t linear. There will likely be days when one partner feels optimistic while the other struggles to get out of bed. Instead of trying to “fix” one another’s emotions, focus on listening without judgment and validating each other’s experiences.
Above all, remember that infertility is not you versus your partner. Instead, it’s the two of you facing an incredibly difficult challenge together. Healthy communication strengthens that partnership and can help you remain emotionally connected, even when life doesn’t unfold the way you envisioned.
2. Find A Support Network
One of the hardest parts of involuntary childlessness is how isolating it can feel.
Friends announce pregnancies. Family members ask when you’re going to have children. Social media fills your feed with baby showers, first birthdays, and holiday family photos. Even people with good intentions sometimes make comments that unintentionally deepen the pain.
That’s why finding a supportive community is so important.
Support may come from trusted family members, close friends, faith communities, infertility support groups, or others who have experienced pregnancy loss or infertility themselves. Speaking with people who truly understand your experience can reduce feelings of loneliness while reminding you that you’re not walking this journey alone.
At the same time, don’t be afraid to establish healthy boundaries. If attending a baby shower or spending an afternoon around young children feels overwhelming, it’s okay to politely decline. Protecting your emotional wellbeing isn’t selfish—it’s part of healing.
Many couples also find comfort by connecting with organizations that specifically support infertility, pregnancy loss, or miscarriage. These communities often provide educational resources, online discussion groups, local meetups, and opportunities to speak openly without fear of judgment.
The goal isn’t to eliminate grief. Rather, it’s to surround yourself with people who can carry part of the emotional burden alongside you until you’re ready to move forward.
3. Attend Therapy
Although support from family and friends is invaluable, therapy offers something different: a dedicated space to process one of life’s most painful experiences without judgment or pressure.
Many people experiencing involuntary childlessness carry complicated emotions beyond sadness. They may struggle with guilt, shame, anger, anxiety, depression, relationship conflict, or even questions about identity and purpose. A therapist can help untangle these emotions while providing practical strategies for coping with grief.
Therapy can also strengthen your relationship as a couple. Partners often grieve differently, and those differences can create tension during an already difficult season. Counseling helps couples improve communication, navigate disagreements about fertility treatments or future family planning, and remain emotionally connected despite ongoing challenges.
Perhaps most importantly, therapy helps people rediscover hope—not necessarily by guaranteeing a pregnancy, but by helping them envision a meaningful, fulfilling future regardless of what happens next. Over time, many individuals find themselves able to experience joy again while honoring the losses they’ve endured.
Whether you’re navigating infertility, pregnancy loss, failed fertility treatments, or the reality of permanent childlessness, you don’t have to carry that burden alone. At My Wellness Center, our compassionate therapists provide a safe, supportive environment where you can process your grief, strengthen your relationships, and begin building a hopeful path forward.
Find Therapy
If you’re ready to tackle involuntary childlessness, contact us. Our compassionate therapists are here to help you overcome this heartbreaking chapter of your life to find peace, acceptance, and viable alternatives to bring joy back into your life.